I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
