She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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