What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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