I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
