I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
