Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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