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Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
