The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
