Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
