Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
