I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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