and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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