Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
