My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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