I'm eating all of the evidence.
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
