Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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