I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
