2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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