Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
