Tell her she can't have a vagina
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
