I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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