the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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