I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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