And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
