My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize