hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
