My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
