Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
