could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
