Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize