just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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