How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
