I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He shit in the fireplace
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
