ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
