So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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