So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
