I didn't shave. On purpose
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
