What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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