i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
