Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
