well you can't waste a boner
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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