Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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