Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
