I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
