Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
