Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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