1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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