I seem to have left my pride at pride
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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