That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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