What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
