a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
