why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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