Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
