you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
