i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
